Gassho

When you bring your left palm and right palm together, that is what we call a Gassho. But do you really see the true meaning behind? That left ourselves to think about it.

For many of the religions and culture, they often have the same hand language (Gassho) when rituals are carried out. They say, this particular gesture actually complete one into a cycle, making you more perfect at the moment where you can find peace and concentration. But to me, Gassho is a totally different story, as I'm a free-thinker, sorry to say..

When two palms are closed together, what would we see? Perhaps you can try to do it now? =) Well, some might say they see complete darkness, some might say nothing at all, some might even say "what's the purpose for doing this so?" Actually, it's not just about what you see with your raw eye, but what you can interpret with the eye of your heart.Well, from my point of view, I do see pitch black in between them too, but I see more..

When they are closed together, it's complete darkness, you can see nothing in it just like a sense of insecure. But wait, try to feel it with your senses, can you feel the warm that is starting to build up in between? It's true, there might be darkness in everything, yet there is always something worthwhile within it. Why not from the view of doing things? When you carry out events, activities or even studies (like what I'm still doing now), true, there would be hardships and even times when you feel you want to give up, as things seems to be an endless darkness where you don't know when can you stop your footstep or just taking a break, but hold on and wait for it, you will get the ripen fruit when the time comes, just like the warm building up between your palms.

Now, imagine you are the right palm and your friend is the left palm, form a Gassho. What can you see and what do you feel? Complete darkness might mean insecure and problems, but what I see is infinite possibility, as when you can't see anything, that means anything could happen isn't it? Be optimistic at all time makes everything that looks bad no longer in such way anymore. It's just the story of whether the glass of water is half empty or half full right? True, when two comes together, there will be conflict and arguments for sure, it's something we can't run away from it if two of you truly are friends, close relatives, couples or others. But there's always something more, just like the warm in between your hands, you would feel the presence of them in your life makes you feel secured and complete.

It's all about the mindset I guess, when we try to spend more time in thinking and interpreting some things, there might be something promising and delighting, better than what we can possibly imagine. Life is tough, but won't be tough if we have the correct way of thinking. =)

Lol, I didn't expect I can actually discuss so much just by a simple hand gesture. By the way, I hope my broke English ain't too broken, haha.. >.<

Mask

Well, last day of my holiday d.. I guess I'm still on holiday mood and don't really feel like going back for study and have my papers. Studying sounds so fake to me. Hahaz. Indeed, I tried to study but can't really get things into my mind. Guess I still have things to be worried about. It would be really long time from my future update already, so i guess i would do it now since I still have the chance to do so.

People do grow up ya know, and when you grow older, you would realize you will think more. Old, what defines a person getting old? An uncle that is 60 years old, but can still live till 100 years old, is that considered old? For he still have another 40 more years to be spent. But if I can only live till 25 years old and I'm already 19 years old, am I old? Hm.. Well, guess things really just goes as how do you think about it. 'MINDSET', ha ha! What I used to tell my friends in the college. The point is, everyone will be old, if you have little more years to go on with, so what's the point to get your own life so tiring?

My senior once told me, everyone's born with a mask, it's meant to be there, so you can't deny not possessing it. But what does really matters is do you put it on? It is normal I think, for it is a way for a person to protect oneself, sort of like a defend mechanism. Putting it on time would means saving your life or bringing better life. I guess that's why my mom told me before that I would not survive easily in this world that is full of people with masks. Hm.. I wonder, did I ever put on my mask before? Not showing my true self to others? I probably did, but as far as I concern, the last time must be when i started to think more deeply, or maybe more mature. When people bring on their masks, it's even worse than poker face, for this mask can perform lots of expressions without feeling tired at all. And the person? Hiding under the mask i guess.

Sometimes, there are things that really happen not just as what you wanted it to be, situations do take place. I often try to tell others my thoughts (when I feel comfortable to tell with), but guess sometimes the message aren't really sent to completely. There are times that when coincidence or misunderstandings. There are even times that many things saying you being wrong when you are not to (in truth), hard to believe? Believe it, for it does happens on me. I guess hearing and asking, is it really that trustful? That's why I don't really completely trust people, for I trust only to myself, I only believe what that is come into my eye, if people tells me about it, I would just listen and analyze, but proving it by my own eyes, by being in the scene that took place. Who knows some of them are wearing masks for the moment?

Had been really busy recently, coco activities, dancing practices, studies and some personal issues. Dancing is what I enjoy the most actually, even though it comes with lots of bruises, well that's my trophies i guess. Mentally and physically tired? Indeed I am, and I guess the mental is the worst part. There are many things that's been torturing my thoughts, making me thinking things that don't need to be thought in the first place. Speaking truth? Yeah, I do, always do. But it just comes with price I guess. Been a peer counselor had grant me a skill, to more or less read what people is really thinking. But I don't like to use it, especially with my important ones. That's why I often end up the one that's really worn out for trying to carry on while still have no idea what people are really thinking. I want to know badly!! Really am. But I choose to know it when people really wants to tell me so.

Without the shielding mask, I often end up showing my emotions to everyone, which is why I often get myself alone when I feel really down. Releasing all of my negative aura to somewhere else before going back. So who knows, I might actually be really down, hurt or actually crying in my heart without you knowing when I'm talking with you with a big smile? There are people that is concerned of me and always willing to hear my thoughts and share my problem with. But I guess, I'm not that kind of person. For I have a strong feeling that when I tell others, it won't really help the situation, but actually making them worried or causing trouble to others. Yeah, I like to rely on others when I know I'm not capable to so so much stuffs, but I dislike sharing my negative aura to others.. Don't want anyone around me to be troubled because of me (although it often end up unsuccessful.

People sometimes doubt what I say, or how many truth is within it, but I can tell you all, this is how my without mask life is:

I say it cuz I mean it, I mean it cuz it's true.

Age

Well, times do passes quickly. In a blink of an eye, my first semester in matriculation college had gone. (Its not really long actually, just half of a year) And things do happens, and i felt things that should happen within my range of age had took place. Sounds pretty 'uncle' huh? But i guess that's just me, always over think and tend to make others think that i have a mature thought. (seriously, I'm not)

Hmm.. First thing I realized after so many years of studies and reading. I actually am someone that can only study well under pressure! Whenever the stress comes to me, somehow i will get a lot more productive than usual. Its really proven when i actually manage to learn my physic from chapter 6-15 in just one week of time. Where it was actually taught for 3 months to the students. Oh, sorry but I have to admit here. I never do pay attention in classes. I would prefer to sleep during lecture classes and carry out my self-studies later on. It sounds unfair to the lecturers, but sad to say, that's my style of study. No worries, as i will definitely meet them back in the office to ask them teach me all over again. Hahz. Well, i guess from now on, my studies can only come in one way, get a lot of stress within myself and stay up more. From here, I would rather warn my friends first, I'm the kind that will show my feelings on my expressions, so sorry if you're freaked out when you see me later. If anyone out there says i shouldn't torture me in this way, there's better way of studies and so on.. Sorry but I have to stick to my style as I know myself best and I know if I don't give a 200%, my dream of getting 4 flat and becoming a general specialist will stay as a dream forever.

My friends said you shouldn't stay up so late even if your young and my relatives said you can stay up late because you're still young.. Hmm... Who should i listen to? But I guess it actually doesn't depends on anyone's hand for my physical and mental fitness belong to myself while I know the best way to handle them. For the highest record I had for staying up for studies? Staying up until 7am in the morn and sleep for 3 hours before going back to studies. It sounds crazy (it is), but that is my only solution. As I'm not as smart as others plus I'm more lazy than others, guess I can only do so in order to catch up with others in the studies. I admit I'm not intelligent enough as others, so i guess I need to spend more time on my studies compared to others then.. Hahz.. To anyone that's worried about me out there, no worries kay? Because for only a reason, "I'M NOT DEAD YET!!"

Love is something funny. It crazes you around before throwing you back in the garbage bin to find your own garbage back. Why would I say so? As to me, love is something that you find back your own belongings. Your belongings was thrown into the garbage bin and you need to look for it. My belongings are in the garbage bin for i think the relationships i have will come with lots of troubles and challenges. Which tend to make things tangled and dirty, where you don't where to start with. But it is beautiful when you got the right one, as she/he being the truly one is nothing better than being born to this world.

How I have lived through without her I don't know, but what I know is with her I can become immortal, face any challenges without any anxiety for I know she is supporting me from behind. She will help me to stand back up after I had fall down. She had felt so close and yet so far to me. For she is so reachable and unreachable at the same time. Maybe I'm just a dumb ass for had fallen to her, causing trouble to both sides, but what I know is, She is that piece of puzzle that was lost in my life. She showed me life and what life should be. And all the times when she's not around, I just want her more.If I could ever be her superman, I'll fly her to stars and back again. There are no words usable to paint a picture of her. Her eyes, it's as if she's from some other world. She's so beautiful...

And when comes to my age, lots of problems pops out on its own. I guess I just have to endure it no matter what. Even if the world ends by 2012 or even tomorrow, I would still plant an apple tree today...

Em0!?

Well, since my lecturer always insisted on brushing up my skills on using English, so decided to write my blog for the first time in this language.

And there goes half of my semester in kmm, weird and odd... As when I come to think of it, everything seems to happened in just a blink of an eye... I'm not so sure why, but i just can't really see the sense of enjoying the life here.... Sorry...

Guess it's just my personal emotional control akills, as things happen here.. Trust me, a lot of stuffs take place here... It's sort of like a curse or just the reality? Whenever there's people, there would be rumors and scandals. I just don't see the sense on keep on repeating the same thing over and over again... I'm getting tired of it.. But others seem to be kind of drown in the enjoyment. Thus, I wouldn't say anything anymore.. As long as you all are enjoying it, I guess that worth it. Most of the time, happiness can only be built on the suffering and displease of someone.

Though my past time experiences tell me that there's no people that is totally same from outer to inner, or phenotype to genotype. haha.... However, I still can't stand to see such persons persist in my sight of view. What sort of people? Well... I'm not really allowed to say such things out, but think of someone that actually disgust you just by merely ignoring you. We're meant to help each other, bringing things to a better result. But I wonder why? This person seems to ignore me whenever I'm trying to do my part of role, others may not see it, but I can see it clearer than ever.
Oh, one thing. The feeling of getting ignored is really really really bad. Trust me, I'm currently in the situation, I know the taste rather well. This sort of ignore is like, quite complicated to explain bah...

I'm exhausted, trying to get the set of mind into everyone, that I'm unavailable!!! Scandals are indeed something that can only persist whenever there's two person involved, but it's unfair to the ones involved! I'm okay with it actually, getting nagged or gossiped on me and who who who... But please think about it ladies and gentlemen, what about the girl? Everyone knows that name of a girl is far too precious to be gossiped on merely I would say rather 'bad' words. Note, I'm actually trying to talk polite here...

Issues do happen, it can be bad or good, but it depends on that particular person involved in the situation. In the same situation, it may be good for A, but would be really bad for B. And i guess that i often end up in the 'B' position... HAHz....

改变

多久没更新了？貌似再不写些什么，我都快要忘记我是个非土著了。哈哈。。
这短暂的日子里，发生的事情实在是太多太多了。也不知该从哪说起好呢？嘛，就随便聊几句呗。

来到了马六甲，在这里升学，一切都如幻影般发生得实在太快太快。嗯，要怎么说好呢？只能说我改变了。变得没有那么执着，变得更加独立，变得更需要朋友，变得更体魄结实，还有变瘦了！！哈哈。

没有那么执着？嗯，大概是感情方面吧。觉得这种东西是合则来，不合则散吧。当然我是不会应许’‘散’这个字出现于我的感情世界里啦，因为我把这种东西看得很重。如果不是认真的话，何必开始？她会有很多追求者么？不知道。只是知道我貌似被俘虏了。哈哈。我不会太执着了，觉得这种东西是‘缘’来时就有，‘分’无时便没有。那缘分这种巧妙的玩意，我究竟有没有呢？哈哈，看着办吧。她会理解我想表达的真正意思 么？不过我觉得她不会看得懂啦，因为我也不太理解我在倾诉什么，哈！

独立！？这是肯定的。在这里，比以往更难回家，更难与爱犬玩个两玩。啊!我的枕头啊！我觉得‘独立’这个名词似乎与我不太合衬哩，哈哈。不过，说时迟,那时快。我现在已当上了这里的学生代表哦！不过也多得大家的鼎力相助啦，小弟在此谢过了！

朋友这种东西，一开始还觉得没啥必要的，可在这边，那是个不可或缺的事物！因为朋友，我才勉勉强强的在这稳住阵脚，继续向前冲刺。大家对我都很好，没有对我的自恋癖感到反感，哈哈。不过我真的没骗你们啊，我以前班上的同学都叫我校草啊！只是哪一种草，就见仁见智吧。

变瘦这单事，我也不要说太多了。你们以后再与我相遇时就明了啦！

只是有件事我不得不提，就是，当你察觉到人性的丑陋时，你会猛然察觉，自己也貌似是一分子了。我也不知道，只是觉得自己丑陋的一面近来有些明显，是妒忌？猜忌？压力？我也不太晓得啦。。

归家

这一是个如此麻木的课题了，经常在担心着究竟这个星期、下个星期、下下个星期……归家显得不再如此重要，我明白这样说法十分自私，对家里人也十分不公平，可我就是心里藏着这份情感，这份已结痂的情感。

与朋友告别？抱歉，那对我来说是个艰巨的任务。因我知道，一次的告别，可能就是一生的告别。你一定说还有面子书、推特啊！我也理解自己是个多笨的笨蛋，可这种通过网际网络，无法亲眼、亲身相见的联络方式，显得如此的飘忽，如此的虚假，我无法接受。

每次归家，就会深深祈祷，但愿这并不是我们最后一次的分离。可以的话，真希望我们永远都不会分离。虽然听起来似乎是十分脑残的想法，可这也是我希望的黑夜彩虹。

在渺茫的人海之中，能够认识对方是个天赐的缘分。想想看，世界上每一秒就有一个人诞生、每五秒就有一个人离世。这种缘分，是可遇不可求的。以后的事情交给上天决定？我才不要，自己的命运由自己的双手主宰，不是依赖外人的。

每每归家，想到这也许是你、我、他最后一次相聚在一起，以后的人生各有各走，我的心，仿佛丢进了绞肉机里，模糊不堪，鲜血淋漓。这，是我期望的么?我不晓得。我只知道，我们之间的这一份缘分，貌似无法再持续下去了。分离，已是大局已定。

我不敢面对，深怕泪框的决堤，倾泻下来的泪水，让我显得一点都不帅！哈哈……

只是深深期望，这次的归家后，还有下一次的归家、下下一次的归家。希望我这痴人说梦话的愿望，有得以实现的一天。可能它不会发生，但我还有一个小小的要求，只是希望你们这帮损友，能够把那个死胖子笨蛋的名字留于你心中。那当我们在这人海茫茫中有幸能够再度碰面的话，尽管的叫我吧。而我的回答一定是久违的，

啊哈！！

努力

小时憧憬的大学生涯不知不觉都已过了两个星期。常听人们说，这生涯有多美好、多么自由。我个人觉得，还挺狗屁不通的（抱歉，有点粗俗）也带出了我有多么的不认同这个观点。

出外靠朋友，反而是最常用到的一句。短短两个星期，便已了解到友达的重要性。没有了他们的相助，我可能早崩溃了吧？洗衣服、准备课业、解决食宿，貌似都会和某些人扯上关系。最可靠的莫过于和我一起从怡保至此的两位死党，虽然不同课程，可我也受到了他们不少的帮助。还有同课程的朋友们，也是我能撑得下去的理由之一。（该说撑么？？）
注：有男有女啦。

在这里，最觉得厌恶的便是“专科数学”！！我也不明白为什么，就是讨厌面对这些加减乘除、阿拉伯数字。见了就昏。

有时我也想过，既然我那么的厌恶，即证明这科不适合我吧！老是反复地做些无聊事，也太没有意义了。这事我当然知道啊！就算那些萍水相逢的人不和我说，也早有许多人和我说过了。反正我就是没有才能嘛！但，我不愿放弃，因为我不甘心哪！落于人后、被人舍弃，为自身的无力而咬紧双唇，在这逐流中连自己的存在价值都不复存在......

那我努力些不就得了么？才能？那种东西对我来说太矫情了。要是我没有的话，那我只要用其他东西来代替不就得了。只有为了实现梦想而努力去拼搏的人，才能感受到那份付出所带来的幸福。我也没必要再找借口了，我只需拼命做到自己满足就够了。

如此一来，即便仍会失败————
也要比总满是藉口、靠耍小聪敏度日子的人生来得更有意义！
因为，我想让自己成为更优秀的人！