Mask

Well, last day of my holiday d.. I guess I'm still on holiday mood and don't really feel like going back for study and have my papers. Studying sounds so fake to me. Hahaz. Indeed, I tried to study but can't really get things into my mind. Guess I still have things to be worried about. It would be really long time from my future update already, so i guess i would do it now since I still have the chance to do so.

People do grow up ya know, and when you grow older, you would realize you will think more. Old, what defines a person getting old? An uncle that is 60 years old, but can still live till 100 years old, is that considered old? For he still have another 40 more years to be spent. But if I can only live till 25 years old and I'm already 19 years old, am I old? Hm.. Well, guess things really just goes as how do you think about it. 'MINDSET', ha ha! What I used to tell my friends in the college. The point is, everyone will be old, if you have little more years to go on with, so what's the point to get your own life so tiring?

My senior once told me, everyone's born with a mask, it's meant to be there, so you can't deny not possessing it. But what does really matters is do you put it on? It is normal I think, for it is a way for a person to protect oneself, sort of like a defend mechanism. Putting it on time would means saving your life or bringing better life. I guess that's why my mom told me before that I would not survive easily in this world that is full of people with masks. Hm.. I wonder, did I ever put on my mask before? Not showing my true self to others? I probably did, but as far as I concern, the last time must be when i started to think more deeply, or maybe more mature. When people bring on their masks, it's even worse than poker face, for this mask can perform lots of expressions without feeling tired at all. And the person? Hiding under the mask i guess.

Sometimes, there are things that really happen not just as what you wanted it to be, situations do take place. I often try to tell others my thoughts (when I feel comfortable to tell with), but guess sometimes the message aren't really sent to completely. There are times that when coincidence or misunderstandings. There are even times that many things saying you being wrong when you are not to (in truth), hard to believe? Believe it, for it does happens on me. I guess hearing and asking, is it really that trustful? That's why I don't really completely trust people, for I trust only to myself, I only believe what that is come into my eye, if people tells me about it, I would just listen and analyze, but proving it by my own eyes, by being in the scene that took place. Who knows some of them are wearing masks for the moment?

Had been really busy recently, coco activities, dancing practices, studies and some personal issues. Dancing is what I enjoy the most actually, even though it comes with lots of bruises, well that's my trophies i guess. Mentally and physically tired? Indeed I am, and I guess the mental is the worst part. There are many things that's been torturing my thoughts, making me thinking things that don't need to be thought in the first place. Speaking truth? Yeah, I do, always do. But it just comes with price I guess. Been a peer counselor had grant me a skill, to more or less read what people is really thinking. But I don't like to use it, especially with my important ones. That's why I often end up the one that's really worn out for trying to carry on while still have no idea what people are really thinking. I want to know badly!! Really am. But I choose to know it when people really wants to tell me so.

Without the shielding mask, I often end up showing my emotions to everyone, which is why I often get myself alone when I feel really down. Releasing all of my negative aura to somewhere else before going back. So who knows, I might actually be really down, hurt or actually crying in my heart without you knowing when I'm talking with you with a big smile? There are people that is concerned of me and always willing to hear my thoughts and share my problem with. But I guess, I'm not that kind of person. For I have a strong feeling that when I tell others, it won't really help the situation, but actually making them worried or causing trouble to others. Yeah, I like to rely on others when I know I'm not capable to so so much stuffs, but I dislike sharing my negative aura to others.. Don't want anyone around me to be troubled because of me (although it often end up unsuccessful.

People sometimes doubt what I say, or how many truth is within it, but I can tell you all, this is how my without mask life is:

I say it cuz I mean it, I mean it cuz it's true.